After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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