Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
