Why is your signature on my underwear?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As shirtless as possible
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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