i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
