New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
