Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
