Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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