I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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