Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
