True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
worst night to have a conscience
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
