haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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