Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
