I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
