can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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