i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
