You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize