I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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