dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
