Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
