If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize