I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
