I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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