When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
