So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
