I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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