you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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