He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This toilet bowl is my home.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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