he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
