He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
