I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize