I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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