The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
