my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
