You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
