You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
