I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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