dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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