I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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