Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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