Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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