Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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