I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You dont lie about slip and slides
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
