I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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