I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
