There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
