i need an iv and a liver transplant
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
