By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
