There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
