Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
