I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
