WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
