My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
