My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
