i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
