where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
