I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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