Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
