I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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