i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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