I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
