I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
