I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
