god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
