I heard we made out
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
