Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize