all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
