I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
