turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
